what in the wor-ld?

I love lists. I think to myself in list format, sort of like Dave Letterman's top 10. I like to rank favorite sayings and travel spots and crackers. (I know, I need a hobby.) And, since I'm on the subject ....

My Top 10 Crazy Thoughts for the Day:

1. They should make nail polish for kids that is a little more "heavy duty" so that it doesn't flake off so quickly (because painting the toes of a 3 year old is not something that there is time for every day).
2. I see too many girls wearing UGGs when the weather dips below 65 degrees ... I mean, that's practically flip-flop weather!
3. All pants should have elastic waistbands (duh).
4. I do not understand the whole "stay at home dad" thing. Not judging. Just don't really get it.
5. I "know" that frozen yogurt does not have the same nutritional value as regular yogurt but I'll continue to eat it as if it's equally as good for me and deep, deep down I believe it is.
6. I want to live in the show Friday Night Lights and be a cross between beautiful, gorgeous mom Tami Taylor and sweet, cute and super smart Lila (except, as Lila, I would NEVER quit the cheerleading squad!).
7. All home bathrooms in all the world should be spacious enough for a comfy chair because it would be wonderful to sit down while applying all those layers of lotion.
8. Seriously, why am I not renting a house at the beach and/or living at the beach full time?
9. I think that SUP is a-mazing and really WANT to want to do it!
10. I love freckles and wish I had a few on my nose.

legacy letter

At church one morning our pastor challenged us to write a "legacy letter". I think the idea was to contemplate the things that you will place great importance on at the end of your life .... and then live each day focusing on these things. I like this. It made me think. And you know how when you think about something for a really long time your mind just sort of starts to circle around and you end up making a grocery list? Well, that's what happened....I was thinking ...

"when I'm gone I hope people say I lived a good life, a thoughtful life, a somewhat unselfish life and that I was kind when no one was looking and that .... gosh, my roots are SO bad ... I need to call Cami and make an appointment ... right, legacies, maybe I want to be the person that no one talks about after they are gone because that would mean that I didn't cause any trouble or that I gave someone else the spotlight or .... I wonder how much money is left in the beauty budget this month because I really need a mani/pedi .... ugh, focus Mara ... maybe I just hope that my kids turn out to be decent, kind and loving people .... is there wine downstairs? I could have a glass when the kids go to bed ... wait, the dryer just cut off .... I should fold those clothes ...."

Why is it so hard to focus on the important stuff? Hey, and I'm not saying that hair color and fingernails and wine when the kids go to bed is not important! But here's what I think... I think that sometimes we are just going about our days with the chores and errands and it's in those chores and errands that the "important stuff" is happening. It's not a separate act like "ok, NOW I'm going to be generous or thoughtful", it's mixed in with all the mundane tasks that fill a day. It's letting someone go ahead of you in the grocery line because they have 3 items and your buggy has 300. It's listening to someone go on and on (and on and on) at a play date about their crazy morning with the sick baby when you really want to be talking to that other friend about her low-budget trip to Jamaica and how you can get that deal, too. It's waiting a million minutes at a restaurant for your food to come out and then not giving the waitress attitude when she tells you she lost your order. It's showin' the love in all things, every day, in everything that you do ... well, maybe not everything .... :)

the post birthday blues

It's March. That means it's birthday time at my house. Woo hoo!! Since my kids' birthdays are March 1st and March 2nd I pretty much start planning their party in late January. It's a two-fer so it has to be extra special. I get sooooo caught up in the details (ha, imagine that!) down to the very last sprinkle on the very last cupcake. I LOVE doing things at the kids' birthday parties that mean so much to them, like .... buying lots of balloons (they LOVE balloons) just to hear them say, "Mommy, LOOK at all the balloons!" or, mixing Transformers AND Sofia the First party themes just to see them giggle or, setting out big bowls of messy potato chips for little fingers to reach because they are absolute fav-o-rites!

And then, there's a bunch of stuff that I forget about doing like ... taking pictures!! For cryin' out loud I did not take even ONE single picture at the birthday party. Ugh! What kind of loving mommy am I?! (Oh right, I'm a control freak mommy and cannot stand to think that I may have missed a single minute of cake eating or present opening while looking for my camera and making sure the flash was turned on.) Luckily someone picked up my slack and snapped a few shots here and there (thanks Mom!).

Planning a little party for my kiddos is a huge source of joy for me .... it's the best ... we get so excited ... I can't wait for the day to come ..... it's almost here ....aaahhhhhh :)

And then, it's over :(

What makes the days following a birthday so sad? I asked myself this question a few times and my first answer was, "well, I put so much time and energy into making it a special day and it's a little sad to see all that fun in the rearview mirror" .... but that's not the real reason. The REAL reason(s) (if I'm being totally honest) are:

• The end of a birthday marks the end of a whole year and, in this case, my children's 4th and 2nd years are over!! I want them to grow up but, good grief, why do they have to do it so FAST?!
• I'll never again see my son ride a two-wheeled bike for the first time .... :(
• My baby is potty-trained so I'll never again change diapers ... boo hoo. (I added it up and I have changed approximately 8,030 diapers in the last 5 years sooooo what in the world am I upset about?! Oh, I don't know, I guess it's just one more step in the direction of not needing their mama .... so sad. Hey, I didn't say that these were logical reasons.... )
• The kids are so big now and it gets harder and harder to carry them and it will only get worse in the coming year :(
• My son is now experienced at taking trips without me (gasp!).
• They are one year closer to elementary school and then middle school and then high school and then ......
  

Well, you get the point. 

Look, I'm not going to smother my kids and dress them in bonnets and onesies in an effort to keep them young. I'll give them their space to go and grow and live. I'll be a totally normal, responsible and 'independence encouraging' parent .... but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

ouch

Daaaaaang! My back HURTS. Not the kind of hurt that a little rest can cure but the kind of hurt that stays with you day, and night, and every minute in between. I'm serious. This is not just one of my drama episodes that is formulated to get a little extra attention. My back really, really hurts!

FAST FORWARD ...
That was a couple of weeks ago. I feel MUCH better now. Since I am coming out on the other side of this injury I want to share some of the things I learned on my journey to feeling good.

1. Pain sucks. Duh. We all know what a pain in the butt it is to hurt constantly, to be sidelined physically, to ask for help with everyday tasks, but what I was not prepared for was how ...
2. ... pain bleeds blue. When I get "down" mentally and emotionally I say that I'm "blue". Boy oh boy, have I ever been blue these last few weeks. I've been "I hate everything and don't care about anything and I'm giving up on everything because my stupid back pain is taking up all of my brain space that used to be filled with happy thoughts" blue.
3. Medicine is good. I don't like to take a bunch of pills and I really don't like the side effects of those pills BUT if medicine can take the pain away AND give me back a little brain space to entertain some of those happy thoughts then give. me. the. pills!
4. Rest isn't just for wimps. I like to be productive and active and when pain gets in the way of that and rest becomes a *NEED*, not just a *wish*, I feel wimpy. Ugh. But, when you start to see the benefits of said "rest" and the pain moves farther and farther way then it's like, "woo-hoo, I'm REALLY good at resting ... I'm so proud of this accomplishment ... go ME ... way to REST!!".
5. Listen to your body. I mean, I always listen to my body when it says, "hey, go ahead and eat the whole bag of king size M&Ms right NOW". Why not listen when it's saying, "ouch, everything you do is hurting me ... please stop and get some help right NOW".

Not exactly life-changing thoughts but, hey, that's what I learned :)

Now that I'm on the road to recovery I have set a few goals for myself. One goal is to get active again, one is to eat fewer M&Ms, and one is to do more stuff like this ...... 

.... it can't be that hard, right? Well, wearing a swimsuit like that may be impossible but not the rest of it :)

bye, babe

Yesterday my love walked out the door.

He left with excitement and a huge smile on his face (how nice for him). He left without a backward glance and without regret. You see, my love is almost 5 years old. He's chasing snow with his daddy and will be out of my care for three (whole) days. Not exactly a lifetime apart but it might as well be to this mama. I know his daddy will take super care of him .... but it's not the same as ME taking care of him. (Sigh.)

Boo, hoo for me, right?! Wrong. Because this is what I've realized (prepare yourself): however much I miss my little boy this weekend I am a thousand times more grateful to his daddy for creating this adventure for our son. There, I said it. It's not all about me (wait, really?!). It's about letting those I love have the times of their lives ... even when it doesn't include me.

Besides, I don't like to be cold .... and snow volcanoes aren't really my thing :)

dirty dishes

Dirty dishes used to make me crazy. I couldn't stand to see even one or two dishes cluttering an otherwise clean sink. I would not go to bed until the kitchen was spotless. 

Today, well, this is what my sink looks like...

The sight of this should bother me. It should compel me to clean. It should hurt my pride to see this mess in MY kitchen. But, the funny thing is ... I. Don't. Care. 

You see, I want to care. I want to WANT to have a sparkling clean kitchen every minute of the day. But instead, the dirty dishes sit ... and sit and sit ... until either we run out of clean spoons OR hubby decides to take over and rid our house of this disgusting mess. (He is REALLY good like that.)

Some might think I've become lazy, or dirty, or despondent. But I think it is something else entirely .... I've become distracted. Distracted by, oh let's see .... the magazines piling up on my coffee table that I'd like to read, the naked toenails that I'd like to paint, the phone call that I'd like to make, the kid that I'd like to tickle, the walk that I'd like to take, the cookies that I'd like to bake, etc., etc., etc.

It's funny how the things that NEED doing look completely different from the things that NEEDED doing a decade ago. Priorities change. Perspectives change. I mean, I still think that having a clean house (and clean dishes) is sooooo awesome .... it's just that pretty toenails and freshly baked sugar cookies are waaaay awesome-er!

a single hair

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since our dog died. He was a sweet, sweet dog. He lived with us for almost 8 years ... our first "baby". Aside from being a loyal companion, protective of the children and the best home alarm system (ever) he also tended to shed .... a lot!

For the last 8 years I've been in the habit of Swiffering and/or vacuuming my floors at least daily. Now, I'm a little obsessive about my floors so having a furry friend who shed year round helped justify my OCD behavior. You would not believe the amount of fur I emptied from the vacuum on a daily basis ... out. of. control. (I'm on my sixth vacuum cleaner in as many years.) You may wonder if we ever took the time to groom our dog because with that much hair floating around we must have been neglectful in this area. Ha! We brushed and FURminator-ed (yes, that is a real thing) our beloved pooch two to three times per week but still, the shedding was unstoppable. And walking through a sea of dog fur did not seem to bother anyone except me! So .... I set about making sure that we had ONE room that was a 'no dog' zone. Since our dog had the IQ of a Harvard grad it was easy to train him to respect the threshold of this one room and I ... well.... I just LOVED being in that room. I liked seeing my pants stay fur-free, I liked not having to pull a stray dog hair out of my kid's mouth after he rolled on the floor, I liked knowing that if I drank a cup of coffee my cup would have ONLY coffee in it. It's the little things you know?!

Well ...

... for the last 2 1/2 weeks there has not been a lot of vacuuming. No dog hair floating in my coffee. No lint-rolling of my pants.

But, while straightening up the other day I came across a single hair ... a single dog hair ... left behind.

My heart just broke.

I miss our dog. I miss all that hair ... every vacuum clogging strand.

(Best dog ever: 12/23/2005 - 1/18/2014)